17th April, 2014

Anonymous asks:

First of all, love this blog. For a long time, I thought I was alone but it's really awesome to see other Gray-As out there discussing things! Secondly, while I am a Gray-A, I would like to find a platonic life partner to share experiences with. However, most dating sites seem to be geared towards hetero, homo, or bisexuality. Do you have any sites to recommend for this?

Man, do I feel you. There is a tumblr called acedating, but I don’t know much more than that. It is difficult, but it is possible to find someone. I don’t know how old you are, since you didn’t specify, but depending on your age, you might want to try different social activities. Not necessarily the dumb “For Singles” stuff, but just get out there. If you’re in college, see if there’s a group on campus that even discusses being ace. If you’re younger or older, though I’m guessing older, you really gotta start with making friends. If you go places, meet friends of friends, you have a better chance of finding a Gray A, or someone who can accommodate you in a way that you both agree on. I know it sounds absurd, but that’s how everyone starts. If you do find a Gray A dating site, let us know, and we can add it to our repertoire of tricks. I wish you much luck and hope that you find platonic love that is fulfilling and boundless!

-Not a Can of Soup

And you know, worst case, you become an entrepreneur and create your own site and make millions while helping your fellow Aces. ;)

17th April, 2014

Anonymous asks:

Seriously, thank you. It's nice to have someone believe me when I say I'm not interested. I tried talking to my mom and she kept coming up with reasons I was wrong. I'll let you know how it goes with the boyfriend.

(Just an update: I did have the frank discussion with my boyfriend, yesterday, but he hasn’t said ANYTHING yet about whether we’ll break up or not. Ugh, stressss.)

(Update: Yeah, alright, I am officially dumped. This sucks, and I can’t stop crying. It’s almost worse that he was miserable about it too, but he couldn’t foresee a future without kissing. Everything suuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuucccccccccckkkkksssssssssssss.)

Hi Anonymous. I’m so sorry for your loss, and I hope your mourning has been… successful? That sounds weird.

Anyways, let’s talk a bit about mixed-orientation relationships. In some ways, they have the same needs as any relationship: communication, respect, consideration, consent, yada yada yada. But in relationships where one of the partners is on the asexual spectrum, there can be a greater susceptibility to being pressured into undesirable things. I don’t know your ex well enough to know that you dodged a bullet in this case, but hopefully with a little luck and training future-you could pull a Neo.

(Oh God, I’m dating myself.)

Anyways, I hope your that your life has been going well since. If you have any further questions, feel free to message us again :)

~CyrilDan

17th April, 2014

Anonymous asks:

Hi i'm sort of confused about my identity :/ I think i might be gray -a but i don't know.. I like guys and girls but I very rarely get aroused but the thought of having sex with someone doesn't bother me but I find it boring... i would do it to make my partner happy but i wouldn't enjoy it i guess if that makes sense

gray-asexuality:

Hi Anon!

Thanks so much for writing in. Hopefully I can help clear up some of your confusion.

Being repulsed or bothered by sex is not a prerequisite for being on the asexual spectrum! I’m in a similar situation to you - I’m sexually active with my girlfriend for her pleasure - and I consider myself grey-asexual, so there’s one at least haha. As for liking both guys and girls, it is possible to be both grey-asexual and bisexual. Otherwise, if you don’t like them sexually, then maybe take a look at the other types of attraction and see if there’s a concept there that’s useful to you.

Hope that helps. Stay strong and keep being curious!

~CyrilDan

Uh, I hate to hijack a post, but I want to add an addendum. If, in the future, you and your partner decide to engage in coitus, I would fervently recommend you discuss your sexual identity first, clearly explaining that it is not a lack of attraction to them. It’s good for your partner to be aware of your feelings, and to make sure you’re aware of theirs. Just a tip for you dear anons, because many of you have stated that you have/would have sex to please someone else, but you don’t know how to tell your current/future partner(s). Talking it out is key guys! Cuz’ then you get to the fun part of being intimate in a way that is mutually satisfactory.

-Not a Can of Soup

(via A Gray-Asexual Space)

17th April, 2014

Anonymous asks:

I've heard a lot of asexual/gray a people say they're not attracted to others, but they still experience a desire for sex in different ways. I feel like I've got things backwards. I feel sexual attraction towards people, in that I find certain people sexually arousing/stimulating, but I experience absolutely no drive or desire to actually have sex with anyone, ever. I feel like "Asexual" might be a useful label for me, but worry that I've got it wrong and I'm describing something very different.

Hi, friend!

There’s more than one way to be grey-asexual. Imagine asexuality as a house, and we’re they’re neighbors. ALL AROUND THEM. So there can be different houses on Asexual Spectrum Boulevard; it’s not important that different people experience it in different ways. What is important is that we’ve got them surrounded mwa ha ha >:D

*ahem*

Anyways, only you can decide what label(s) you decide to use. But if you feel uncomfortable describing yourself as asexual, then maybe the grey-asexual label could be of use to you.

~CyrilDan

17th April, 2014

Anonymous asks:

I had NO idea that some people thought the A meant allies. That is just absurd. You don't get a cookie just for being a decent human being.

Yeah I really don’t get it either. But if fighting bigotry were as easy as handing out cookies, I would be on the front line :P

~CyrilDan

17th April, 2014

Anonymous asks:

I've always went into relationships without any attraction (sexual nor romantic) yet a feeling of 'let's try'. I'd develop a desire to feed their happiness, whether it be sexual or romantic but never felt it personally. And now with my girlfriend, I have a strong romantic attraction (yet always thought myself aromantic) and desire to make her happy. So romantic attraction, yet no sexual. But "no sexual desire" for me = a libido and urges in theory; but no urgency/revulsion to act on it. Help? D:

Hi Anonymous!

Let’s talk about two things from your question.

The first thing is that you describe yourself as having romantic attraction, but have sometimes gone into relationships without attraction of any kind. Dating relationships are fun, but depending on the attraction you feel you might also want to familarise yourself with the concept of ‘queerplatonic relationships’ a.k.a. ‘zucchinis’ (not ‘queer’ in the sense of ‘gay’ but as in ‘queering’ the line between romantic and friendly). More information can be found here and here.

Secondly, sexual attraction. It is possible to have libido and ‘urges’ without feeling the urge to act it out with other people, partner or not. This could mean that you’re asexual, and you might also want to look up the concept of autochorissexualism / ‘identity-less sexuality’. It’s a concept still in its infancy, but you might find it useful depending on your experiences.

Hope that helps.

~CyrilDan

17th April, 2014

Anonymous asks:

Hi i'm sort of confused about my identity :/ I think i might be gray -a but i don't know.. I like guys and girls but I very rarely get aroused but the thought of having sex with someone doesn't bother me but I find it boring... i would do it to make my partner happy but i wouldn't enjoy it i guess if that makes sense

Hi Anon!

Thanks so much for writing in. Hopefully I can help clear up some of your confusion.

Being repulsed or bothered by sex is not a prerequisite for being on the asexual spectrum! I’m in a similar situation to you - I’m sexually active with my girlfriend for her pleasure - and I consider myself grey-asexual, so there’s one at least haha. As for liking both guys and girls, it is possible to be both grey-asexual and bisexual. Otherwise, if you don’t like them sexually, then maybe take a look at the other types of attraction and see if there’s a concept there that’s useful to you.

Hope that helps. Stay strong and keep being curious!

~CyrilDan

17th April, 2014

thishaileysays asks:

Hi! So I've come to the conclusion that I think I'm gray asexual but I'm not sure? Like I find my boyfriend attractive (and other people) but I don't have any sort of sex drive whatsoever. We do have sex sometimes, if he initiates it. Am I right in claiming gray A or is that wrong?

Hi, thishaileysays!

It’s very possible to have sex drive (or none) or to even enjoy sex with other people and still be asexual. When you say that you find your boyfriend attractive, you might ask yourself what kind of attraction you feel. Maybe you’re fully asexual, or maybe grey-asexual is a better label for you. No one can choose that for you, but we’re always here if you have questions :)

~CyrilDan

17th April, 2014

Anonymous asks:

Hi there! First of all thank you for making this blog <3 Secondly I'm a bit confused. I began identifying as asexual several months ago after for the first time ever, feeling that sexual label resonate with me. But as I continued to read (threads, articles etc.) I became confused. I "get off" on a regular basis, yet I can not imagine sharing that "feeling" with anyone else. To me that sensation is really personal and private. {Continued in second ask}

(hmm, I don’t see a second ask. I’ll try answering this based on the first part anyways. Sorry!)

Hi Anon! I’m really glad that Shapes made this blog too, so I will join you in your applause! *clap clap clap*

Your question has to do with the interaction between asexuality and sexual pleasure. And the answer is? There isn’t one!

Okay, there probably is one in the brain there somewhere, but as concepts they’re separate.

A useful analogy might be that libido is like water. It’s fluid and can take a number of different forms. It can flow from place to place (if you have a sexual orientation) or it can be more placid, like a lake or a reservoir where all the duckies gather and stick their little ducky heads into the water to hunt for fish!

*ahem*

Okay, so to wrap it up, libido and orientation are separate. Watch for duckies; they’re after your fish.

~CyrilDan

17th April, 2014

Anonymous asks:

I think I may be demisexual? the only times I've thought about a physical relationship was when I knew the person really well I still find people attractive & I enjoy the physical side of a relationship but there needs to be a bond there first for me

It’s certainly possible! Nobody but you can decide what labels you should use, but demisexuals ONLY feel attraction to people whom they already have an intense emotional relationship (although not always to all such people; it’s a “necessary but not a sufficient condition” in fancy philosopher-speak). Notice the difference between this and feeling attraction to people but not wanting to act on it for ethical or religious reasons; this would not be demisexuality.

Thanks for writing in!

~CyrilDan